i love you but i dont know what to say chords

Dr. Billy Kidd researched romantic relationships for 15 years. He held focus groups in various cities across the nation.

"It's non a dead relationship," Sam insisted, staring across the family room at his wife, Ashley.

The words came slowly to Ashley's turned-downwards lips. "Sam, information technology's the video games. It'south not reading to Brenda. It'southward not being here for me. Your caput is so far removed from us at times, well … I beloved you merely I'g not in love with you."

Deep furrows crossed Sam's forehead. "What practice you mean?"

Ashley permit out a sigh. "I don't know how to explain it."

Like Ashley, almost everyone has problems explaining their sense of emotional anxiety. And when there is no resolution to a couple'due south communication problems, they autumn out of love. Frequently people blame their lovers for it all and say something similar, "You're from another planet. How could you get information technology?" Merely, truthfully, that misses the point.

The result is not that men and women cannot communicate. They run the Fortune 500 companies together. That requires a big network of coordinated communication. When information technology comes to communication, the real outcome is a lack of understanding of how 5 dissimilar feelings blend together to create the style we love our partners.

Dmitry Pichugin

This means that the real communication problem isn't about y'all or your partner. It is that there isn't a common linguistic communication for love. People don't fifty-fifty agree on what the give-and-take love means.

For instance, if yous await at the example above, you'll run into that Ashley used the word honey to mean 2 different things at the aforementioned fourth dimension. Then, Sam took those ideas to mean something different than what Ashley was trying to say. Only neither 1 of them was to arraign. They hadn't been on the same page when they talked about their relationship for quite a while. That was considering no i had ever showed them how to finer communicate their feelings. Yet, after I showed them the Dear Code—which defines the new language of beloved—things changed for the better.

The Honey Code states that people have five dissimilar feelings that work together to create all the means they respond to their partners. Individuals can respond to their partners, or potential lovers, with any, all, or none of these feelings of beloved. The Love Lawmaking is based on new scientific discoveries rather than urban myths. Then it can exist used to clarify whatsoever communication problem. It also helps to clarify why certain relationships clothing you out, are boring, and why people cheat.

The five feelings of dear ascension up from deep within the states and blend together in unlike ways at different times. This explains why you can experience many different types of dearest for different people but not e'er have a way to put those feelings into words. When you understand the Love Lawmaking, you will always be able to explain how y'all feel. You lot volition also know what to enquire your partner if you are confused about what he or she is proverb or feeling.

The Five Major Feelings of Love That Brand Up the Love Code:

1. Nosotros all know the start major feeling of love: The in-love feeling. Just few of us sympathise how it works. That is because being in love has two dissimilar stages: It starts with crazy honey and then moves into reward love.

Crazy honey is where you retrieve about someone obsessively night and day. Yous might think most your sweetheart then much that it seems like he or she is "the Ane." That's groovy. But scientists recently discovered that crazy honey always passes. This happens because the cray-in-dear hormones and neurotransmitters return to their pre-in-love state. That'southward why you don't remember obsessively nearly your lover day and night forever unless you have a dysfunctional love style.

Instead, when the relationship matures, what holds people together is reward love. That is where you sometimes feel a sense of advantage simply to be with your partner. That is the 2nd stage of an in-dearest relationship. When a person in a serious relationship doesn't feel reward dearest, that private ends up where Ashley was at: feeling that she was not in love with Sam anymore.

two. We all know the 2nd feeling of dear: The sexual feeling. Just few of us understand how to explain what we are really feeling. The Love Code clarifies the two major aspects of sexual feelings: a) physical arousal and b) emotional arousal.

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Concrete and emotional arousal, combined with partner personality and compatibility, creates all the different ways people experience sexual intercourse. When Ashley no longer felt rewarded to be effectually Sam, she lost her power to get emotionally angry near having sex with him. So the question for her wasn't between dear or lust, but rather, it was a loss of involvement. Or put another manner, their relationship had changed.

3. We take an expression for that captures the tertiary major feeling of love: Existence "friends and lovers, too". When partners feel like friends, they don't concur grudges or keep score. They don't attack each other's character either.

That'due south because friendship changes the tone of a romantic human relationship. Partners feel like equals. That changes how they handle relationship conflict. This eliminates the contest and the winner-take-all arguments that are so common in dysfunctional relationships. Information technology too sets the stage for your relationship to evolve every bit the two of you alter with the irresolute times. With Ashley and Sam, they were getting pretty close to losing their friendship connection.

4. Most people have an unconscious desire to find fulfillment through the fourth feeling of honey: Feeling like family unit. Just so often partners are likewise confused to brand information technology work OK for them. When they assemble with their partners, it doesn't provide them with a feeling of security. Rather, being close often generates an intense feeling of anxiety.

That is unfortunate considering a positive family feeling is what creates the ties that bind people together. Information technology gives people emotional support when their hopes and dreams sew confronting a roadblock. That's when partners come together to soothe each other's anxieties. Only when there is a lack of emotional support, relationships autumn apart. When Ashley felt that Sam no longer gave her whatever emotional back up, she set up an appointment for them to see me, the couples therapist.

five. Most people understand the 5th feeling of honey: The feeling of wanting to aid your partner. Unfortunately, too many individuals aid their partners in order to effort to get control over their relationships. When their partners sense this, they practice less and expect more. Every bit a result, the helper volition slave away until he or she ends upwardly resenting his or her partner. Despite this, the individual will keep slaving away considering he or she has a codependent personality.

On the other hand, partners with functional beloved styles try to aid each other to achieve their life goals. They don't feel like martyrs because they have a mutual helping relationship. That is why they can achieve twice as much as couples who don't take 1.

In our example, above, Ashley still cared about Sam's time to come and wanted to help him, simply her in-dearest feeling of reward had died, and she was thinking most leaving the relationship.

Practise you lot feel like Ashley and cannot explicate what you're really feeling most your partner? Well, don't worry. You can navigate through whatsoever human relationship roadblock by becoming aware of how each of your 5 feelings of love respond to your partner. You can do that by noticing when and if you:

• Experience rewarded when you spend fourth dimension with your partner (the in-dearest feeling)
• Notice that you become physically and emotionally aroused during sexual practice (the sexual feelings)
• Experience like you want to be good friends with your partner (feeling like friends)
• Feel like your partner is a fellow member of your family (feeling like family)
• Feel that y'all desire to help your partner (feeling like helping)

When you see these types of responses in yourself and in others, you volition understand your options in every human relationship. Then you lot will feel more secure about the choices you make, and that will put you lot on the path that leads to a low-stress human relationship.

Bust Thru Relationship Roadblocks

When Sam and Ashley came to my office, I questioned both of them nearly how they responded to each other with each of the v different feelings of love. I asked them to listen to each other'south responses without interrupting. Then, I asked the other partner to echo, in his or her own words, what he or she thought their partner had said. Sam acted surprised that Ashley didn't feel rewarded to be with him anymore. Before they left, I gave Sam a copy of the first typhoon of my book, Depression-Stress Romance which explained the five feelings of love.

When they came to see me the following calendar week, Sam looked morose. When I asked him what was going on, Sam said: "I got the flick, now, from the book and--" He hesitated and took a deep jiff. Finally, he said, "Ashley cares most my future, but when the in-love feeling died, we couldn't move to the next stage of dearest--"

Sam gasped as his eyes welled with tears. Then he said, "I haven't told Ashley, withal, but I've booked a ii-week vacation for our girl and me in Hawaii—where she'due south been begging us to take her for the terminal two years. And I made arrangements with her school to ship the homework by email." A inundation of tears raced downward Sam's cheeks as he pleaded, "Ashley, volition you back-trail our daughter and me to Hawaii. You've got a couple of weeks to figure it out. It's OK to say, 'I don't know' or 'No.' But I promised myself that I'm non going to blow my relationship with my girl. And then I beg you, please don't say Brenda can't become."

Ashley sabbatum dorsum and gazed blankly across the room. Sam silently stared at the floor. Shutting my optics, I meditated. Finally, Ashley said, "Medico?" When I looked her mode, she stood, saying, "We'll run into yous when we get back from Hawaii."

© 2011 Dr Billy Kidd

Dr Baton Kidd (writer) from Sydney, Australia on April 16, 2020:

kuerla,

Thank y'all for the comment.

You are right. However some people in the in-love stage believe this is it and they have found "the One."

kuerla on Apr 15, 2020:

I dont understand why this phrase has to have a negative connotation. In dearest part just means the initial honeyomoon stage which ends imevitable and develops into Love, and what is wrong with that? No one feels butterflies for 30 years and and then on.

Dr Billy Kidd (author) from Sydney, Australia on March 29, 2020:

Hmph, yep, when partners do not become friends the political party is over.

Hmph on March 28, 2020:

Good riddance. Sometimes breaking upwards is for the best for them. Yuck information technology up, lovebirds.

Jean on January 08, 2020:

My husband and I have been married for 29 years and he just revealed in couples therapy that he loves me but as he reflects, hasn't been in dear with me for nigh 20 years. Is there a way for him to autumn back in love with me? I've lived a codependent life and suffocated him unintentionally.

Dr Billy Kidd (author) from Sydney, Australia on April 11, 2019:

Santosh, hallo!

The person who says "I beloved you but I'm not in-love with you lot" is saying :Y'all are non The Ane.

Santosh on April 11, 2019:

Can u say the meaning of I dear you just iam not in dear with you lot

Dr Baton Kidd (author) from Sydney, Australia on June 12, 2017:

Matty, yes it is wonderful when a couple piece of work through their relationship roadblocks. I wrote this post hoping people would get a scientific insight into how romantic relationships work. So they could have some new ideas when it came to the difficulties of having a satisfying relationship.

Thanks for reading the commodity.

Matty Navarro from New Jersey on June 12, 2017:

Great hub! I am glad they were able to begin working on their relationship. Besides often people await as well long to become help. It breaks my eye to see this, especially when there are children involved. At that place is no easy style out. Only again, expert affair they were willing to work information technology out.

Dr Billy Kidd (writer) from Sydney, Commonwealth of australia on February 16, 2016:

Neat annotate, dashingscorpio.

When I wrote this I was thinking of ii people already in a human relationship. And the relationship, for i person, lost it'southward romantic nature.

I agree that for people who are dating, or not fully involved, the thing is dissimilar. It just means you're non the One.

Thanks for explaining this.

dashingscorpio from Chicago on Feb 15, 2016:

Very interesting commodity!

Generally what I tell people is if someone says:

"I love you just I'm not (in love) with you lot."

Information technology means they don't consider you lot to be "the one"!

In other words they're keeping their options to find someone who they do experience is someone they desire to spend the rest of their life with.

Every bit you noted there are multiple means people ascertain the discussion "love" and sadly often we (assume) that our definition is a "universal" definition.

An entertainer who yells "I beloved you!" at an audience from the phase has no "emotional investment" in whatsoever i person in the oversupply. Essentially he/she is saying I (appreciate) you for supporting me.

Sometimes when people are "comfortable" with i another, become along nicely, and genuinely care about the welfare of this person they may utilise the word (love) to depict the depth of their caring BUT at that place is no passionate feeling causing them to feel as though they've found their "soul-mate".

Essentially they're just saying you are "special" in their life.

Communication is the GPS for relationships. It lets you lot know if you lot're on the same page, growing together, or growing apart.

As uncomfortable as it is to have someone define what they mean when they tell you they love yous it's far better than to assume you both experience the same way about ane another just subsequently to find out you're not "the 1".

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Source: https://pairedlife.com/problems/I-Love-You-But

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